Musical Madness

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

(Alleged) Student Bloopers

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

My favorite composer is Opus.

A harp is a nude piano.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

Composers

There once was a lady named Hatch
Who was fond of the music of Bach
It isn't as fussy
As that of Debussy
Sit down and I'll play you a snatch

Rossini:
Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour.

Mark Twain:
Richard Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Vivaldi didn't write 500 concertos, he wrote 1 concerto 500 times.

There was a composer named Liszt
Who from writing could never desiszt
He wrote Polonaises
Quite worthy of praises
And now that he's gone he is miszt

Musicians

Meistersinger von Nurnberg

This historical postcard, "Die Meistersinger von Nurnberg" was provided by Good Buy Sweet Prints, Good Buy.

Harpists seem to spend half their life tuning, the other half playing out of tune.

On the beautiful slopes of Lugano
Dwelt a girl with a gorgeous soprano
But the tragical thing
Was she never could sing
In the key that was played on the piano

Beethoven's Ninth Symphony has a long section where the basses don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. During one performance, it was decided that after playing their parts in the opening of the symphony, the bass players were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes. Once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the street for a drink. When they got there, a European nobleman recognized that they were musicians, and bought them several rounds. Two of the bassists passed out, and the rest of the section, not to mention the nobleman, were rather drunk. Finally, one of them looked at his watch and exclaimed, "Look at the time! We'll be late!" The remaining bassists tried in vain to wake up their section mates, but finally those who were still conscious had to give up and run across the street to the Opera House. While they were on their way in, the bassist who suggested this excursion in the first place said, "I think we'll still have enough time--I anticipated that something like this could happen, so I tied a string around the last pages of the score. When the conductor gets there, he's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves his baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other." Sure enough, when they got back to the stage they hadn't missed their entrance, but one look at their conductor told them they were still in serious trouble - It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded with two men out, and the Count was full.

Instruments

The thrifty Scots don't waste much. For example, when they slaughter a pig, they even save the squeals to put in their bagpipes.

Music Terms

From The Bluffers Guide to Music by Peter Gammond, Crown Publishers, 1971

Accidental: A wrong note played on purpose.

Antiphonal: What happens when half the choir has the wrong music.

Atonal: Music written when a composer forgets, or couldn't care less, what key the piece is supposed to be in.

Chamber music: Music written for a small number of listeners.

Continuo: The tinkling noise, usually made on a harpsichord, which prevents baroque music from sounding too clinical.

Dynamics: Playing too soft or too loud.

Impressionism: Music that sounds as if it is being played in a thick fog.

Madrigal: Medieval barbershop songs.

Pentatonic: Music that can be played on bagpipes.

Recitative: When a singer forgets the tune.

Music Teachers

If you need a really great gift for a music teacher, consider earplugs.

Teacher to student: I can play the white keys, or I can play the black keys, but you sing in the cracks.

"Crab Canon"

from Gödel, Escher, Bach by Douglas Hofstadter, Vintage Books, 1980

Achilles and the Tortoise happen upon each other in the park one day while strolling.

Tortoise: Good day, Mr. A.
Achilles: Why, same to you.
Tortoise: So nice to run into you.
Achilles: That echoes my thoughts.
Tortoise: And it's a perfect day for a walk. I think I'll be walking home.
Achilles: Oh, really? I guess there's nothing better for you than walking.
Tortoise: Incidentally, you're looking in very fine fettle these days, I must say.
Achilles: Thank you very much.
Tortoise: Not at all. Here, care for one of my cigars?
Achilles: Oh, you are such a philistine. In this area, the Dutch contributions are of markedly inferior taste, don't you think?
Tortoise: I disagree, in this case. But speaking of taste, I finally saw that Crab Canon by your favorite artist, M. C. Escher, in a gallery the other day, and I fully appreciate the beauty and ingenuity with which he made one single theme mesh with itself going both backwards and forwards. But I am afraid I will always feel Bach is superior to Escher.
Achilles: I don't know. But one thing for certain is that I don't worry about arguments of taste. De gustibus non est disputandum.
Tortoise: Tell me, what's it like to be your age? Is it true that one has no worries at all?
Achilles: To be precise, one has no frets.
Tortoise: Oh, well, it's all the same to me.
Achilles: Fiddle. It makes a big difference, you know.
Tortoise: Say, don't you play the guitar?
Achilles: That's my good friend. He often plays, the fool. But I myself wouldn't touch a guitar with a ten-foot pole!

(Suddenly, the Crab, appearing from out of nowhere, wanders up excitedly, pointing to a rather prominent black eye.)
Crab: Hallo! Hulloo! What's up? What's new? You see this bump, this lump? Given to me by a grump. Ho! And on such a fine day. You see, I was just idly loafing about the park when up lumbers this giant fellow from Warsaw-a colossal bear of a man-playing a lute. He was three meters tall, if I'm a day. I mosey on up to the chap, reach skyward and manage to tap him on the knee, saying, "Pardon me, sir, but you are Pole-luting our park with your mazurkas." But wow! he had no sense of humor-not a bit, not a wit-and POW!-he lets loose and belts me one, smack in the eye! Were it in my nature, I would crab up a storm, but in the time-honored tradition of my species, I backed off. After all, when we walk forwards, we move backwards. It's in our genes, you know, turning round and round. That reminds me-I've always wondered, "Which came first-the Crab, or the Gene?" That is to say, "Which came last - the Gene, or the Crab?" I'm always turning things round and round, you know. It's in our genes, after all. When we walk backwards, we move forwards. Ah me, oh my! I must lope along on my merry way-so off I go on such a fine day. Sing "ho!" for the life of a Crab! TATA! Ole!
(And he disappears as suddenly as he arrived.)

Tortoise: That's my good friend. He often plays the fool. But I myself wouldn't touch a ten-foot Pole with a guitar!
Achilles: Say, don't you play the guitar?
Tortoise: Fiddle. It makes a big difference, you know.
Achilles: Oh, well, it's all the same to me.
Tortoise: To be precise, one has no frets.
Achilles: Tell me, what's it like to be your age? Is it true that one has no worries at all?
Tortoise: I don't know. But one thing for certain is that I don't worry about arguments of taste. Disputandum non est de gustibus.
Achilles: I disagree, in this case. But speaking of taste, I finally heard that Crab Canon by your favorite composer, J. S. Bach, in a concert the other day, and I fully appreciate the beauty and ingenuity with which he made one single theme mesh with itself going both backwards and forwards. But I'm afraid I will always feel Escher is superior to Bach.
Tortoise: Oh, you are such a philistine. In this area, the Dutch contributions are of markedly inferior taste, don't you think?
Achilles: Not at all. Here, care for one of my cigars?
Tortoise: Thank you very much.
Achilles: Incidentally, you're looking in very fine fettle these days, I must say.
Achilles: And it's a perfect day for a walk. I think I'll be walking home soon.
Tortoise: That echoes my thoughts.
Achilles: So nice to run into you.
Tortoise: Why, same to you.
Achilles: Good day, Mr. T.